How to Write Character Thoughts: Read Deep to Write Better Fiction-The Micro Elements Part 3
Let’s dig deep into analyzing another micro element to help us craft better fiction. Last week, we discussed wielding interiority: character thoughts, emotions, reflections, and feelings.
Today, we’ll examine character thoughts and discuss the different ways to incorporate them into our fiction.
So grab that mentor text and get your highlighters ready!
What is Inner Monologue?
Inner or internal monologue or inner or internal dialogue (all the same–though I prefer the first) are the thoughts the POV character thinks but doesn’t voice out loud. It’s their “inside voice.”
This inside voice is key to allowing the reader into the story's experience. Without it, the reader will feel like a spectator, forced to watch something they don’t completely understand.
Not always, of course. It depends on the character and the story. Remember the example of Pat Peoples and his struggle with bipolar disorder from The Silver Linings Playbook in our last craft chat on interiority?
But for most fiction, opening a window into your character’s thoughts allows the reader to understand their motives, especially when their actions don’t align. It can reveal internal conflicts, feelings, and insecurities that the character doesn’t want anyone else to see. It’s also a place to reveal secrets and add snippets of context-building backstory.
Character thoughts can also help darken or lighten the scene's mood, up the emotional tension and stakes that perhaps the other characters aren’t aware of.
For example, picture a single mother who recently lost her job. She is in the doctor's office with her preschooler.
She’s putting on a brave face for her four-year-old son, who’s just been diagnosed with a brain tumor that will need surgical intervention.
The child isn’t terribly ill yet but is having some unusual headaches that have been increasing in intensity.
Today, he feels fine; his main concern is getting a sticker and lollipop.
His mother will need to balance all of her emotions as she processes his diagnosis and be his mother.
She doesn’t want to scare her son, but she is terrified.
If all the reader sees is the dialogue she shares with her son and the doctor, it might come across as inauthentic and flat.
However, the author shows us her fearful thoughts paired with her forced smile and thinly veiled irritation as she pleads for her son to be patient. At the same time, the doctor finishes, then we will feel her devastation and the impossibility of her situation.
The risk of not conveying a character's thoughts is that the reader will be locked out of the story's emotional layers, and when that happens, they will stop reading.
How to Write Inner Monologue
First, there’s no single “best” way.
There’s the way that’s right for the story you want to tell and how you want to tell it.
I recommend you consider the narrative distance you want the reader to feel and be consistent. It doesn’t mean you can’t use more than one of the options we’ll discuss in a moment; you certainly can. Like all considerations about interiority, it’s a stylistic choice and I’ll show you a couple examples of blended techniques in a minute.
But there is one hard and fast rule about showing a character’s thoughts: the character whose thoughts you convey must be the scene’s POV character. Otherwise, you are head-hopping, which is a no-no unless you write a purely omniscient POV. Read more about different POV choices here.
And remember, when a character reveals their thoughts, it must be for a reason. So apply the litmus test: does it advance the plot or deepen our understanding of the character and their situation?
Best practice: Make it do both.
Remember, it doesn’t belong in the book if it doesn't serve a purpose.
Three Ways to Handle Inner Monologue on the Page
1. Direct Internal Monologue is when the POV character speaks in first person and in the present tense (regardless of the POV or tense of the narrative) to themselves inside their mind.
Most often you’ll see it in italics. It's like peeking inside the character's mind at the exact moment they have the thought.
Example: Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros
“Damn it Mom, she can’t even handle her rucksack,” Mira snaps, rushing to my side.
“I’m fine!” My cheeks heat with mortification, and I force myself to stay upright. She’s been back for five minutes and is already trying to save me. Because you need saving you fool.
Because Yarros allows us inside our POV character's head, we understand what she thinks of herself and her worldview despite the strong front she’s trying to present. Violet believes she’s stupid for going along with this, and she’ll probably die.
Think of direct internal monologue like a rare spice–use it sparingly. In fact, it’s rare to see it used with frequency in today's fiction landscape. But when it is, it deepens our understanding of the character’s internal workings. To show us what they really feel despite what they are saying or posturing.
In general, a little goes a long way, and overdoing it can make the reader feel trapped inside the character's mind and claustrophobic.
Direct internal monologues seem to be used far more in a third-person limited POV and less if that is a “close” or “deep” third POV. We’ll talk about those distinctions in a moment. But they can be beneficial in the first person, as seen above, and in omniscient POVs.
2. Indirect Internal Monologues are narrated thoughts and they can be recognized by thought tags such as he thought, she thought, they reflected, (some will call these dialogue tags but I find that confusing because dialogue is dialogue). Thought tags tend to give the narrative a more distant feel, so be mindful of that.
Example: The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman
“What did he do to you?” asked Mrs. Owens, but she was not certain that the ghost could hear her. Recently dead, poor love, she thought.
Example: Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo
Damn it, Kaz thought, am I under arrest? If so, this merch was in for a surprise. Thanks to Inej, he had information on every judge, bailiff, and high councilman in Kerch. He’d be out of his cell before sunrise. Except he wasn’t in a cell, he was chained to a chair, so what the hell was going on?
3. Free Indirect Discourse (FID) sounds like a fancy term, one you probably don’t encounter often. But in reality, you read it all the time and it’s not all that fancy! It's a super effective way to pull the reader close to the character when you’re writing in third-person limited or first-person. You probably use this technique naturally and don’t even know it.
FID occurs when the character's thoughts seamlessly merge with the narrative. Even in a third-person perspective, it’s as if you're stepping into the character’s shoes, experiencing their thoughts and feelings firsthand. This technique allows for a 'deep' or 'close' point of view, enhancing the reader's engagement with the story, and it can be just as intimate as first-person.
Example: Where the Forest Meets the Stars by Glendy Vanderah
As she shut down the car, Jo looked away from the girl and gathered the binoculars, backpack, and data sheets from the passenger seat. Maybe the kid would return to her fairy realm if she wasn’t watching.
The bold text is an internal thought but it’s not italics nor does it have a thought tag. This is free indirect discourse.
Example: Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo
In this scene Kaz Brekker has been drugged and wakes shackled to a chair.
Damn it, Kaz thought, am I under arrest? If so, this merch was in for a surprise. Thanks to Inej, he had information on every judge, bailiff, and high councilman in Kerch. He’d be out of his cell before sunrise. Except he wasn’t in a cell, he was chained to a chair, so what the hell was going on? The man was in his forties with a gaunt but handsome face and a hairline making a determined retreat from his forehead. When Kaz met his gaze, the man cleared his throat and pressed his fingers together.
In this example, we have both indirect internal monologue (“Damn it, Kaz thought, am I under arrest?” and FID (what’s in bold) smushed together. The third person narrator drops back in to describe the man or maybe that’s another thought from Kaz sizing him up. It’s hard to tell. Either way, it’s very close as if the narrator is inhabiting Kaz Brekker and I like it. I feel like I’m right there chained to the chair, rolling through my options, trying to figure out WTH is going on.
Try each technique on a passage from your manuscript and see how it goes!
Here are some other examples:
Let’s look at my example from the last blog post on interiority.
My original is a blend of direct thought and FID in third-person close, and typically the way I prefer to write and convey emotions. As I said, your choice will be yours based on your taste and how you want the reader to experience the moment.
1. Direct Thought & FID in Third-person Close Combo:
“Let’s stop to eat,” John said as he shifted gears.
“I don’t know,” Shelby replied as she forced a smile, hoping it was enough to make her husband relax. He was always thinking of her, worried for her. She desperately wanted to be okay, to have an appetite again, to not vomit the supplement shakes, to run a goddamn brush through the wiry hair she used to complain about and no longer had. But the truth was none of those things were going to happen. Not with the chemical cocktails regularly pumped into her bloodstream despite her prognosis.
Palliative care.
What a bullshit word. Why didn’t they just call it what it really meant: A distraction while they waited for you to waste away?
“We have time,” John countered. An ache formed in her chest. Oh, John, baby. Time was the one thing they didn’t have, and he knew it too.
2. Direct Internal Monologue:
“Let’s stop to eat,” John said as he shifted gears.
“I don’t know,” Shelby replied as she forced a smile. Please just relax, hon.
John was always thinking of her, worried for her. I wish I could be okay again, eat normally, not vomit those disgusting shakes, brush my hair. But none of that was going to happen. Not with the chemical cocktails regularly pumped into her bloodstream despite her prognosis.
Palliative care. What a bullshit word. They should just call it what it really was: A distraction while they waited for you to waste away.
“We have time,” John countered.
An ache formed in her chest. Oh, John, baby. Time is the one thing we don’t have and you know it.
So in this example it’s almost exclusively direct internal monologue and heavy-handed. We’re super close but we feel a bit claustrophobic and I think we lose a little context too. It would probably word better if I switched the POV to first person.
3. Indirect Internal Monologue:
“Let’s stop to eat,” John said as he shifted gears.
“I don’t know,” Shelby replied, forcing a smile. I hope he’ll relax and stop worrying so much, Shelby thought. She knew he felt helpless watching her weight drop like it did. A wave of nausea threatened as she thought of supplement shakes she tried to stomach. She desperately wanted to be okay, to run a goddamn brush through the wiry hair she used to complain about and no longer had. But the truth was none of those things were going to happen. Shelby knew that. Not with the chemical cocktails regularly pumped into her bloodstream despite her prognosis.
Palliative care, Shelby thought, what a bullshit word. Why didn’t they just call it what it really was: A distraction while they waited for you to waste away.
“We have time,” John countered.
An ache formed in her chest. Oh, John, baby, thought Shelby, time is not on our side.
To me using indirect internal monologue in this example feels more distancing and repetitive, though it might be appropriate if I wanted to shield the reader a bit from the emotions in the scene, but I don’t. That’s not my style.
Exercises to practice analyzing and writing character thoughts:
So take that book you have in your hands, the one you're picking apart right now because it gave you the “whoa factor.”
Find a couple of passages where the character conveys their thoughts.
Note the POV choice.
What type of internal monologue do you notice? Does it vary? Is it blended? Why might that be?
Did the thought advance the plot or deepen your understanding of the character and their situation? How so?
How does the passage read? Read it out loud.
How does the type of internal monologue the author chose affect your reading experience?
What would happen if you changed it?
Give it a try. Change it. Apply a different one and see how it affects the prose and your experience as the reader.
What would happen if you eliminated the thoughts? Try that too.
When it comes to writing internal monologue, remember to think about the experience you want the reader to have, consider the narrative distance, and be consistent but not chained to a specific method because there’s no one “right way.”
Above all, this is about learning, but trust your gut and ear, too. You’re a reader and a writer for a reason— you have good taste.
Next time we’ll talk about what shapes the tone, structure, and style of our characters' thoughts —-voice.
