Writing Sex Scenes Without Cringe: What Actually Works in Fiction, Part 1 of 2
If writing a sex scene makes you hesitate, you’re not alone. Many writers struggle to depict physical intimacy for many reasons.
Jojo Moyes once said readers assume the sex you write is what you’re into. But I don’t believe that. I care about the experience the story gives me, not the author’s preferences.
That doesn’t mean I don’t cringe a little thinking about my dad reading the last sex scene I wrote. I absolutely do.
But I’m not writing for him. I’m writing for myself, and for readers who like what I like.
As writers, we need to remember that fiction is our playground. We’re not here to make everyone happy. And trying to…well, who really loses in that situation?
Does Your Story Need a Sex Scene?
It’s not all about genre.
I’ve heard it said that genre is the determining factor in whether sex should take place in a novel, but I think that’s misleading and narrows our focus too much.
I would agree, though, that genre does help determine the explicitness of the sex portrayed in the story if it needs to be there in the first place.
In the New Adult and Adult categories, a sex scene can be found in any genre, not just romance or erotic literature.
For example, Jillian Flynn’s mystery thriller Sharp Objects features a sex scene in which the protagonist has a hook-up with a detective in a car. Does it help solve the murder? No. It actually makes it harder by compromising a working relationship around the case.
Does it give us insight into who the protagonist is and how she views herself, and deepen our understanding of the decisions she makes? Absolutely.
In Book One of George R.R. Martin’s political fantasy saga A Song of Ice and Fire (The Game of Thrones), Dany and Drogo's marriage is consummated. Sex happens. Is it graphic? Not really, the lead-up is hot, but then it’s a sharp turn to black. The actual doing is off-screen.
But is it interesting? Immensely.
It shows us a softer side of Drogo that Dany falls in love with, which then motivates her to do whatever it takes to save him, while heightening her brother's jealousy when he realizes that Drogo and Dany are in love. Does that complicate matters and advance the plot? You betcha.
So, do you need a sex scene in your story? Maybe. Let’s read on.
It helps to think of a sex scene like any other scene in a novel.
In commercial fiction, a sex scene should always serve a purpose: it needs to advance the narrative.
Now that’s fancy-speak for it’s got to matter for the story to progress, and it’s only relevant if removing it would hurt the story and, therefore, the reader's experience.
A Sex Scene Must Advance the Plot and Reveal Character
The primary ways a sex scene advances the narrative are by moving the plot forward (effecting the protagonist’s goals and increasing the external conflict) and revealing character (touching the internal conflict or struggle).
Here’s how it works:
Advance the plot (external conflict):
A sex scene can advance the plot (the what-happens part) by increasing tension, introducing new complications and consequences, and spurring or reshaping characters' goals and motivations.
Reveal Character (internal conflict):
A sex scene can reveal character and deepen the reader's connection to their plight.
When done in a positive light, it can expose vulnerabilities, hidden hurts, repressed emotions, unlock secrets, reveal inhibitions, reveal what the character didn’t realize they wanted or valued, or expose them to feelings that prompt them to re-evaluate their lens on reality.
When used negatively, it can reveal a character’s baser motivations, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and so on.
In both cases, the sex scene will shape the character’s motivations and goals, and if you can make the external goals put pressure on the character’s internal conflict (or their inner struggle), all the better!
Romantic tension and angst are often the result of a character's external desire to be intimate with another character (or avoid it) and how much that desire causes them to struggle.
A simple way to think about it is to sit back and ask yourself: What changed for my characters because they had sex?
And what if you write YA? Should you include sex?
Well, that depends on several factors, starting with who your target reader is and the type of story you’re telling.
For YA that serves the older age ranges of 16-18, it can and often does include sex scenes (e.g. The Fault In Our Stars, by John Green), but the type of sex depicted is often what we call “fade to black,” or “behind closed doors.” The intent and desire might be shown, but the act itself is not.
When sexual intimacy is shown, the focus is on emotional contextualization. It’s not graphic.
If you want your sex scenes to be more explicit, I would push the novel into the New Adult Age Category (which features protagonists ages 18-25) and is meant for adult readers.
For readers ages 13-15, my two cents: stick with kissing when it comes to romance.
So do you need a sex scene in your story?
Final answer: It all depends.
Only you know what’s right for your story, but if you’re inclined to write a sex scene, and it’s age-appropriate, and it serves the story by propelling the plot forward and revealing what makes the character tick…then go for it!
But here’s how you can pressure test:
How to Pressure Test Your Sex Scene
Does something change for your characters because they have sex? If no, then the sex scene is likely unnecessary.
Does having sex make things harder for the character in some way?
Would removing this scene change the character’s journey, the plot, or both?
Is that change acceptable for the story you want to tell?
Does removing it diminish the experience you want to give to your reader?
Okay, writer, stay tuned for part two, where we’ll be discussing writing sex in romance, how much to show, and how to write it without making you or your reader cringe.
