Writing Sex Scenes Without Cringe: What Actually Works in Fiction, Part 2 of 2
In part one of this article, we discussed how to determine if your story needs a sex scene.
Today, we’ll shift our focus to writing sex scenes specifically for the romance genre but you can apply the same ideology to other genres as well. We’ll discuss how much detail to show and how to write intimacy that doesn’t make you or your reader cringe. Plus I’ll give you specific examples for reference.
Writing Sex Scenes in a Romance
Romance is about two (or more) individuals falling in love despite obstacles in order to get their happy-ever-after (HEA) or happy-for-now (HFN).
It’s about emotional connection, vulnerability, and personal growth.
Intimacy = In-to-me-I-let-you-see.
So let’s start off by discussing when sex in a romance story is necessary.
Do You Need a Sex Scene to Make a Romance Novel Work?
Short answer: Nope. Pride and Prejudice, anyone? Or many other sweet, clean romance examples.
But sometimes the answer is less obvious.
First, consider your characters. What do they value? What are their cultural influences? Does having sex make sense for them?
If you are writing a book where characters' lives are deeply influenced by culture or tradition, where sex before marriage is taboo–say a halal romance–and your character values align with that, and that’s the story you choose to tell, then no. You don’t need on-page sex or even off-page sex to make it work.
Romance is about emotion and connection, which can be established without sexual acts, and these stories can still be sexy AF! It’s the longing, the desire, and tension that make these stories sing.
And let’s not forget there are other ways to experience love and connection. It doesn't have to be romantic in the traditional sense.
So, the golden rule: always honor your characters!
Now that we’ve established how romance can thrive without on-page sex, let’s look at what to consider when sex does make sense for your characters and their story.
Your next question is likely: How much do I show? How spicy or hot does it need to be?
How Much Detail Do You Show in a Sex Scene?
The answer lies in the kind of experience you want to deliver to your reader.
This is where you can turn to genre subtypes to determine the experience your reader is seeking.
Here’s a great example. Harlequin (a division of Harper Collins) is arguably the biggest producer of romance novels in the publishing industry.
Harlequin publishes multiple types of romance, from category romance in series to standalones, across a variety of genre subtypes (fantasy, paranormal, historical, contemporary, LGBTQIA+, etc.), and has different imprints and editorial lines dedicated to curating distinct reader experiences.
For example, Harlequin’s Love Inspired Trade line is centered on clean “wholesome” storylines—read: no on-page sex. It’s light and sweet, whereas their Dare line holds nothing back, and I mean nothing.
Establishing the reader experience you want to deliver helps guide how much detail to include if you're unsure.
And don’t forget, YOU ARE YOUR FIRST READER—so go with what you’re drawn to, but do read in the subgenre you’re writing to understand how what you like is presented.
General guidelines: Follow your character. Don’t force them to say or do something that’s outside their “comfort” zone. Go with what you’re drawn to as a reader and read in that subgenre or (heat level), pick apart what you like about it, and see how it’s done.
How to Write Sex in Fiction so it’s Believable and Not Cringeworthy
Again, I come back to character and consider the type of experience you want to deliver to your reader.
It’s good to remember that erotic writing is designed to arouse a reader sexually, and romance is about forging an emotional connection.
And you can totally have both in what you write if that’s your jam, and some people (characters) can’t get to one place without the other.
First, it's helpful to know your options and remember you don’t have to use only one type of sex scene in your novel–it could be a mix of closed door, open door, and fade to black.
5 General Types of Sex Scenes in Fiction Writing
In general, there are five types of sex scenes. Each exists on a spectrum.
Closed door or implied in retrospect—We see nothing. It’s 100% off the page, including the foreplay (except for maybe kissing).
Fade to Black—The build up includes tasteful details (which can be sensory or abstract) that are steeped in emotionality and sensuality, but the act of sex itself (or most of it) is not shown, only implied and often in retrospect.
Full Sex Scene Focused Solely on The Emotional Aspects of the Moment—The sex happens on the page, but the details are conveyed through the emotional experience of the characters (either sensory or abstract), not by body parts doing certain things. The point is pure emotional connection.
Full Sex Scene with both Emotional and Physical Emphasis. The emotional and physical details are woven together. The physical acts can be very graphic or not. The point is to arouse the reader and evoke feelings of emotional intimacy and connection.
Graphic sex without connection is rare in romance and not a typical reader preference.
How to Write Sex on the Page
Great. So now you're likely thinking, okay, so I’m going to write a sex scene. It serves my story, and I’ve decided which type of scenes I want to try.
But how do I actually write it in a way that actually works?
The Do’s and Don’ts of Writing a Sex Scene
The Don’ts:
Don’t think you have to get it right in the first draft. You don’t. You just need something on the page to iterate from.
Steer clear of clinical terminology and flat, mechanical descriptions. No one wants to read “he inserted his penis into her vagina.” I didn’t even want to write it.
You don't have to make sex explicit to impact your reader. Use subtle verbs, adjectives, nouns, and euphemisms to convey action. Substitute pronouns for body parts as needed.
Specific examples: Alex and Henry's first sexual encounter, in Casey McQuiston’s novel Red, White, and Royal Blue (about the middle of chapter 6), and the sex scene between Miles and Daphne in Emily Henry’s novel Funny Story. (chapter 28)
If the sex is going to be explicit, don’t be shy. Call the body part what it is, based on how your character would think of it. Use their lens.
Specific example: In Rebecca Yarros’s novel Fourth Wing, Violet and Xaden have a very steamy sex scene (their first) toward the last third of the novel. The author's choice of language leaves little to the imagination. That suits the age category, the characters, and their development. (Chapter 30)
In romance specifically: Don’t forget about consent, because sex without consent is rape.
Consent must be present, even in situations of dubious consent (dub-con). The reader must understand that the character, in some way, wants sex to happen even though the surrounding circumstances may be inappropriate. Consent doesn’t need to be verbal, but I think it’s sexier if it is. Though it can be expressed through interiority (thoughts/feelings), or through a heated look or some other character action.
Don’t rush the moment. (More about this in the do’s)
The Do’s:
Focus on the emotional build-up before the actual sex happens. The yearning, the desire, the denial, combined with unavoidable want. That shit is catnip for readers.
Focus on foreplay and prolong the sex to build tension to the point where something feels like it's about to break.
Do focus on showing character reactions. Show emotions, physical and internal sensations, character thoughts, and feelings.
Do use all the senses: smell, sight, touch, sound, and touch to texturize the experience.
Do focus on the pleasure, whether physical or just emotional.
Do make it about more than lust.
Use an action-reaction sequence—an action/sensation/experience occurs, which affects the other character, and, as a result, they react (physical, emotional, or both), and so on. Think of it like a dance of micro-causality.
Do stay in only one POV per scene. No head-hopping. Not even in a sex scene.
Do slow down and let the reader into the POV character’s thoughts and feelings.
It’s okay to pause or suspend action to allow the character to have realizations during intimacy that deepen their understanding and emotional connection with their partner. Often this becomes part of the build-up to the climax of the scene (and the sexual act).
It’s okay to slow down and let the character realize their fears and what this moment means now and in the future.
Have your character make a decision during sex. This might mean choosing to let go, allowing themselves to have this, allowing themselves to be seen in the vulnerability of the moment.
Remember, real intimacy can be thought of as “in-to-me-I-let-you-see.” Again, Emily Henry’s Funny Story is a great example of a character fearing vulnerability during sex and choosing to let go and be seen.
My Thoughts on Smut
Because I couldn’t leave it out. It’s too big a deal in romance these days.
I used to think that smut was just a way of depicting sex on the page (open, explicit, and frequent) and equated it with spice or heat levels. I didn’t really consider it a genre. But now, I can’t deny that this subcategory of romance exists, that it often uses sex as a means of communication, and that it becomes a vehicle for characters to find their way to a more meaningful emotional connection and level of intimacy. Heated Rivalry by Rachel Reid is a good example of sex as communication of deeper wants.
Sex for the sake of sex might be fun in real life, but in a story, it needs to be a working part of conflict—not just a fun aside.
Takeaways:
My guidelines on writing a sex scene are to trust yourself and what you enjoy reading, write like no one is watching (cuz they’re not), consider the experience you want to give to your reader, lean on subgenre for indications of heat/spice level, know your characters, and make sure that your sex scenes are necessary to both the plot and the internal transformation for your characters. Above all, just have fun with it.
Want to learn more?
Try this analytical reading exercise.
For fun: Read several different sex scenes with different levels of explicitness and emotionality and see how they stack up.
What do you notice?
And if the book has more than one, how does the emotional intimacy progress as the story advances?
How does that affect the type of sex portrayed in the scene?
